If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize