were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
