Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
