I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
