guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
