Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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