I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
