If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
