You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
