Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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