This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Randomize
