Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
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