someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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