I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
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