I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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