you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Randomize
