areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
