i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Randomize
