: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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