he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize