My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Randomize
