my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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