so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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