I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
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