doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
