I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Randomize
