she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
