dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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