I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Randomize