I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
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