Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
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