She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
