wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
