Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
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