apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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