I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
