she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
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