but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
