Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Acid is not a monday night drug
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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