Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
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