My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
