the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Randomize
