Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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