My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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