remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
