Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
