Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Randomize
