Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
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