How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
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