Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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