does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
