he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
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