Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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