Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
the liver wants what the liver wants
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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