he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
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