How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
