There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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