I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
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